I'm here. I haven't been on vacation for two months. My computer has been functioning perfectly fine. I have not been too busy to blog. I just haven't quite been able to find it in me.
February was a really tough month for me, and the mood is lingering. I think I put on a pretty good front most of the time. But there are days when I hardly make it out of bed, much less out of the house. Sure, I fulfill most of my obligations, and some activities are a more welcome distraction than others. But while I have always enjoyed blogging, this past year I've been doing it just because I wanted to document our family's events, not because I was necessarily enjoying the process. If I had given in to my inclinations, there would have been an entire year of nothing, rather than just a couple months. But I took pictures when the occasion called for it, because my children grow so fast, and I knew I'd hate myself later if I didn't record that.
Blogging is just more evidence that life goes on without Riley. There are enough times when I feel like I'm faking being happy, and though I do take incredible pleasure in my family, probably even more now than ever, when I try to blog about it, it feels strangely fake and empty because I miss my baby boy. So when February came around, bringing with it possibly the worst anniversary someone can have on their calendar, I didn't have it in me to blog happy words, even though there have been happy times worth blogging about. We have had celebrations and field trips. I've also been emotional, and often difficult to be around. I have less than seven weeks until this next baby comes, and although I am excited, I am nervous and scared. The pregnancy has gone by quickly, and I have not spent much time planning for or thinking about life after childbirth. And we don't have a name picked out. And I'm afraid that I will spend my postpartum days crying and not being able to let the baby out of my sight. And my life won't allow me to fall apart, as tempting as falling apart may be.
So I'm going to keep blogging. I'm going to fill in the blank in my blog, because there hasn't been a blank in my life. I have some entries from February that have pictures, and are just waiting for words. They've been waiting a while. Every time I've tried to complete them, the words haven't come. Or they haven't felt right. Or they feel trite and seem to only tell the partial truth. So if, despite my best efforts, my words are lackluster, or are perhaps not present at all, hopefully now it's clear why.